The Question at Hand

So, you have the chance to spend the night with any celebrity, any celebrity in the world. Who do you choose? It's not a simple question.

It seems wholly cruel and strange to belittle my love for the lovely and talented Aubrey Plaza into some kind of sexual escapade, likely unfulfilling for the both of us, followed by those days of awkward glances and stumbling conversations in which it becomes nearly impossible to regain the ground that you somehow managed to capture in that one dark night. And that's not the sort of relationship anybody would want.

I am in love with Aubrey Plaza and the world in which she lives, and being with her would be living out one of my biggest dreams of living on the inside of the stand-up comedy community. I want to meet the people and see what they're like offstage. I want to be made fun of in front of a hundred people on the road. She can refer to me as her fat bisexual comic book geek boyfriend and I will smile to myself as she slowly starts referencing obscure comic book characters in her acts without realizing it. I would hang out with Nick Offerman and his moustache on the set of Parks and Recreation, and tell Chris Pratt that Everwood was totally underrated and that his character had the best emotional arc of the series. I would help her read scripts and try to get her to do movies with the best people out there, and we would watch weird old horror movies late into the night.

She is incredibly beautiful and I would love her dearly, and yes, there would be intimate moments, but you cannot be a part of them. They are between the two of us.